Blogger Boss needs to decide what this is going to say about how crazy her life is & how she loves coffee & walks with her hubby.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Slowly but surely!

Here things are in full swing!  The last week has brought some much needed energy along for me!  I feel so "normal", it's almost scary, but it's also really nice.
After having an insane amount of things going on in the last few years, and with no signs of it slowing down in sight, I am sure happy that I feel an extra surge of strength!!
I do get occational reminders of how vulnerable I still am thou.

Last Thursday I ventured out to town.  First time in a LOOONG time that I did this by myself!  Felt really good.  I had a maternity top that I wanted to return (tags were still on), but of course I did not have a receipt.  Well, I figured, they might let me exchange it for something at least.
Well.  They didn't. 
"Sorry, if you don't have a receipt, we can't take it back!"
"But, I lost the baby, and I never had time to use it, and the tags are still on!!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that (she did look truly empathetic), but that's our policy!"
I felt like their policy had just given me a kick in the stomach.
I took it so hard, I was surprised.
Maybe because I told her about losing the baby.
It's a private thing after all.
I felt tears welling up, as I turned to leave the store, with my unused maternity top still in the bag in my hand...
"Bye!", she said behind me.
"Oh, yeah, bye" I said as I glanced over my shoulder.
I felt that this store had something against me.
It wasn't my fault that I had lost the baby!!

I called my Hubby, and told him how I felt.
He of course asked me not to worry about it.
No big deal if I couldn't return it.
I knew he was right, but I guess the feelings the situation had brought up, made me realize that I'm still quite sensitive.
He made sure I felt better before we hung up, and then I actually found a pair of jeans that fit me!
(I hate trying on anything in public changing rooms, and jeans are among the worst...)
This pregnancy made me gain more weight than I normally do, and now when there's no baby to nurse to help shed the pounds, the new "chub" is stubbornly stuck on me.  Argh.
Perfect timing for Christmas to show up too!  Yohoo!! (I admit to liking all the Christmas goodies WAY too much)

Well, I met up with a friend after shopping, and we went out for a late dinner.
It was really nice to just hang out and chat and eat (yummy pizza on ryebread!, and I wonder why I'm not losing weight??)

Well.  Now it's all full tilt with the Christmas gears rolling!
I can't shop or decorate or bake before the house is organized and cleaned, so I have a LOT of organizing and cleaning to do, which is fine, since I truly enjoy an organized house. (there's still a ton of stuff to go through since we moved)
With 9 people thou, I will never ever catch up to what I would like to keep as my standard.
So... yeah, we did some decorating already! (or we might not put anything out before Easter, and that would look quite wierd...)
The kids also made a batch of gingerbread cookies, so that's a start I guess.
In the end it doesn't really matter if everything is not as perfect as I'd like it to be, (trying to remember to pace myself!!), what I want is a home that feels "good".  That is cozy and warm and a good place to end a busy day.  No matter what time of the year of course, but Christmas is extra special.  It's that special feeling... This is the 1st year in this house, and things are not all done yet, but it's still "us" here.  And that's what matters.  And a clean floor of course! :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

"Fa la la la la!"

"This the season to be jolly!"
Yes it is.
This week is Thanksgiving in the USA (Happy Turkey Day all of you over there!!)
I feel it's a good time to stop and reflect too.
It's so easy to get caught up in the Christmas Craze, "wanting and needing" a lot of "fluff stuff".
That's what I call things we really could live without.
Of course it's neat to "deck the halls", and make your home a bit extra cozy.
What makes me a bit sickish and sad is watching people run the race, looking and searching for "just one more thing...", when all they need is right in front of them.
Like their family.

Spending a Saturday at IKEA this last weekend, along with 50% of Finland's population, was a reminder of how spending money always bothers me in the end.
Not that I'm not happy that Hubby and I had alone time there, being able to pick up some bookshelves for our house, eating undisturbed and just being with each other.
That was great!!
Standing at the loading station (where you drive your car so you can unload your treasures) while my Hubby got our car, I spent a few minutes people watching.
I don't think what I saw was unusual, I think it's the same all over the world (especially in all the rich coutries that I've had the privilige to live in).
What I saw was gray, empty faces.
Nobody seemed a stich happier to have spent hours browsing, finding and buying stuff.
I got the sickish feeling inside.
Looking at the overloaded carts, filled with things that are somewhat needed, but many things we could do without, reminded me of the good times we have, but also wondered if the owners of the newly found stuff, had hearts that felt as full??
Maybe buying stuff is a substitute for some?
Like a drug for someone else?

So... As I prepare for Christmas, I shall try to remember how GOOD I have it.
I get daily reminders of people who have some really hard times.
With drugs.  Illnessess.  Serious money problems.  Divorces. 
And that's not after watching the news or reading the paper.

As I prepare for Christmas, I shall try to first make sure that my heart is full.
Then all the other "fluff stuff" is less important, and I hope I'll take the time to rather send a prayer and a thought where it's extra needed.
To those of you who are having a hard time, to those of you who has a close family member who's struggling, I hope your heart will be full this Christmas.  I hope you can look past the pain, and focus on the good in your life.  Because surely, there's a lot of good in your life!!
I know there's in mine....

Monday, November 21, 2011

Time to breath, Please!!

Why didn't anybody say anything??
Am I supposed to keep an eye all by myself?
Some things never change, and one of those is Christmas.
I love Christmas.
When I was a kid, a year felt like 10 years, I thought someone should decide that holding Christmas more often should become mandatory.
Now I know why it's only ones a year (well, besides for the obvious reason that Jesus was only born ones), but also so that we as parents only have to deal with the madness ones a year!!
It always sneaks up on me.
Just as I have turned around to put away the beachtowels for the last time of they year, I notice something on my calendar, and it spells "November".  What????
How does it happen EVERY year??

This time I have to confess that I've been thrown on an extra loop.
Losing a baby, just as November decided to roll around, didn't make it any easier to grasp that
"Wow, in a matter of a month or so, EVERYTHING has to be DUNZKI!!"
I've made a promise to myself this time thou.
And this promise is named:
"Scale back and give yourself a break, dear lady!"
I'm sorry, but for the 1st time in many years, I will NOT be sending over 100 Christmas cards.
I will not plan 3-4 big activities to take place, at our home, in the weeks leading up to Christmas.
(I'd LOVE to have a "girl's nite" for our daughters and their friends, as well as a ladies nite for me and mine, and one for all the great young, single people that I know around here...)
But this time, I will allow myself to be a party pooper, and save my energy.

We went for our little weekend getaway this last Friday.
We had a great time, and came home just in time to get the kids ready for bed Saturday evening.
Sunday morning came way too soon, and I did not feel like getting up.
When I got up I had that restless "I've been staying in bed too long, and now I have to do a million things fast or I will go a little bonkers!" feeling.
After getting a lot done, fast.  I felt pooped.
So from one extreme to another, I ended up in a pile on the couch for a while..

I think I have to learn to pace myself!
Maybe that's part of the lesson I need to learn from losing Star??
I always search for reasons why things happen, not because I can't accept that it was meant to be, but I like to learn from my trials and experiences.
I think the message I'm getting is "Slow down!"

I have to remember that God didn't create the world in one day.
And he did take time to rest.
I have to remember that the same rules apply to me.
I have a few very intense years behind me, and I think my goal for the next little while will be to turn my attention inward.
To me and mine.
To take some time to rest, and recover...
Although my "to do list" is long as usual, I will try to be happy even if I only get a few things checked off each day. 
And allow myself some days "off" as needed.

So, wish me good luck, as this is NOT a thing I'm good at!
But... I'll try my best.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

MORE good news!! :)

Where to start?
As you know the last few weeks have been filled with lots of things taking place in my life.
1st finding out that we lost Star.
Then to the hospital for a DnC, losing a bunch of blood, feeling drained physically and emotionally.
Recovering at home, trying to make sense of what all has happened...
Reading up on "molar pregnancy".  Feeling depressed after reading too much, getting worried that the worst will happen to me!
Had an x-ray of my lungs last Friday, to make sure nothing bad had made it there!
Waiting for results... (that's the worst part!!)
Yesterday (Monday) I went to leave my 1st bloodwork to see how well my hCG has dropped (the hormone level that will indicate in what direction things are heading)

Today I called my Dr in the morning, to see if he had any info to share about my x-ray results.
He said he'll call me back...
Well, he just called at 8 pm!!  He apologized about calling so late, but that didn't matter to me,
I want to find out what's going on!!!
Well, the lungs were fine.  Check.
The pathology work came back, and they did confirm that I had a partial molar pregnancy, but with no abnormalities! Yes!!
The results from the hCG were also back, and my hormone levels had dropped from 20 000 to 32½ in 10 days!!!  WOW!!!
Even my Dr was impressed!

Of course I still have to keep leaving bloodwork for many months to come (probably for a few years actually, as they need to keep an eye open for any changes that could indicate cancer growth)
Even when the hormone levels hit 0, there's still a risk for things to reverse.
But for now: "I'm CELEBRATING!!"

I know that all the prayers from all of my wonderful friends have helped me.
I can feel it.
The fact that I've been taking walks in the sun with my 3 youngest have been beneficial too.
And the fact that I've had time to be truly happy for others, I think is one of the best medicines for your body and soul! 
I've had some low moments.  Feeling blue, questioning the meaning of this trial...
But I can already see so much good that has come from it, that in the long run, I would not have wanted to be without it.
And like my Hubby said "I rather have gone through this, knowing we have a baby waiting for us, than not have it happen at all!"
Those words are so true and so strengthening, they will be my words to live by for a while.

This Friday Big Guy and I are going away overnight. We are going to the capital city of this country, a few hours drive away.
I got a good deal on a SPA-hotel a few weeks back.  Little did I know what would have time to happen in the time between booking the hotel, and us going!  I think we'll need this vacation even more now.  We'll enjoy our time together even more.  We haven't gone anywhere, overnight, just the 2 of us, for almost 2½ years!  So it's about time...
"Have fun!" 
I know, we will!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

No Need to fight! + Some awesome news!!

I just got the 1st issue of Reader's Digest, (a great friend of mine, from Detroit,  arranged a subscription for my family, THANKS AGAIN!!)

In the 1st few pages of reading, I bumped into the "React" page where people have a chance to put in their 2 cents regarding previously published articles.
This one was about fights in marriages, and "the good and bad about it"(or something like that, the whole original article is not reprinted)
Anyway, what cought my attention, and that I just have to share, is what this older gentleman wrote:

"Why should there be fights in every marriage?  I've been married for 60 years, and I know something about having a good relationship with a wife.  When we have a disagreement, I stop and think, Is this something that is important?  If it's not, I let it pass.  If it is, a little reasoning, and the matter is done - without a fight.  The result: We get along just fine with love and kisses"

Awwww.... isn't that lovely!  I can see why this man has been happily married for 60 years!
It starts with a good heart, and a wish to make the other person happy.
Not "to win" fights.
If you really love someone from the heart, what satisfaction do you get from "winning" anyway?
Maybe there'll be a short term gain, you got what YOU wanted.... But when you know that it didn't benefit your spouse, how much can you enjoy what you got out of it?

Of course there are times that we need to compromise.
But if we start by making sure that we have listened, and made sure that the OTHER one is happy 1st...
And this works both ways... How much more enjoyable pretty much everything in your life will be!

"Arguing is not a matter of winning or losing.  Winning at the expence of love and respect is not a solution.  The solution is forgiveness"
Another persons comment on the same article.
Both were men!  Interesting, huh??

Well.  Before I sign off I have to share some great news!!!
This made my whole life so bright and happy, and again I know that we have a rich Father in Heaven.

A while ago I wrote a blog about having faith.  I told you about a family, who we are close to, who due to jobloss ended up losing their house.
They had their 12th baby back in September, and this little girl has already made their lives even happier. 
Around the same time the husband got a job, that he now loves!!
Well... they have been living with her parents since June, but now she wrote to tell me that they've found a house!!!
I have to mention that they were turned down a few times as renters, due to their family's size.
Well...  God had something better prepared for them.
They now have a contract on a "lease to own" house.
This house is situated on 4 beautiful acres, the last house on a private dirt road.  It has 6 bedrooms, 5 baths, a 2½ car garage AND a barn!  It has been totally remodelled in a way this dear friend of mine loves...
"This house is perfect for our family!", she wrote to me.
These news put a huge grin on my face.  And tears of joy and thankfulness in my eyes...
(they'll move in in time for Christmas btw!!)

When we doubt, and wonder if God has forgotten us, but we still know that the only way for things to work out is to put things in his hands...  He works wonders.
I have said for a while now that "it's this family's turn" to have something really good happen to them.
Well, many sighs and prayers have been answered.
Good luck with your new home dear friends, you deserve this so much!! May God bless the house and your whole family!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Happy That you are our kids Father('s) Day

Here in Finland, as well as in Sweden, we celebrate Father's Day today.
And no, my Hubby is not MY Father, but he is our children's Father, so since this is my blog, and I blog what I want to, this one goes to him.

I know I gush about my Big Guy a lot.
Well.  If he was yours you'd know why :)
This last week and a half, he has again shown his love to me and the kids.
He has cried along with me.  Soothed the kids those 1st hard nights after finding out that Star had died.
He went to their rooms in the evening, and talked with them.  Hugged them.  Cried with them.
He thought nothing of it.  I pointed out to him that all guys are not like that.  Many guys would not have done that.  He looked puzzled at me...
To him it was the most natural thing.
And I'm so thankful that's how he feels.

I think it's so important to be able to show your feelings.  To SHARE your feelings.
Most of us women are OK at doing this.  Many guys are not.
Too bad.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for guys who feel that they need to "stay strong" and bottle their feelings inside themselves.
Maybe they get it out through work, going to the gym, whatever....
But I still think that showing your feelings is nessesary in order to heal and move forward.

Last night Big Guy said something that I totally agree with.
He said that he'd rather go through the trial of losing Star, knowing that we have a baby waiting for us, than not have it happen at all.
So, so true.
It puts it all in it's right perspective.
We still did get a baby.  We still did get a gift from above.  We have a baby we never have to worry about.
From this trial love has grown.
From this trial people have shown their best side.
Have you ever thought about that??
That the hardest times bring out the best in people??
I don't ask for hardship in my life, but when it comes along, and you realize the love and strength that comes out of it...
It's truly amazing!

I'm happy to have Big Guy at my side going through this.
He's.... well... the best.
Thank you for being such a wonderful Father to our kids.
Thank you for being you.
Life is beautiful when you have so much good in your life.
Thank you to our Heavenly Father, who provides so well for us... Without him, we would be nothing.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A week later.

I can't believe a week has gone by already.
A week ago, early in the morning, I went for a regular pregnancy check up.
A week ago dreams, hopes and plans for the future were shattered and changed forever.
I had to for the 1st time in my life experience hearing the message that
"Your baby died!"

Little Star was with us for 20 weeks.
Little Star never had a chance to live from the very start, but we didn't know that.
I had my strange intuition during the whole pregnancy saying that "something" wasn't right.
But being the 1st time having in baby in Finland, I figured I was mostly nervous about the unknown.

Today I know that Star is safe at home with God, and that Star was a trooper!
Star will never have any pain, never be disappointed, never hear, see, speak or feel any evil.
Star is luckier than most, and that gives me comfort.

Now I'm wondering, how am I supposed to feel??
I feel sad inside.  I have read up on the typical progress you experience after losing a baby.
But what is "normal"??
I have been up, doing housework (trying not to overdo it), reading to the kids, talking on the phone, hanging out with the kids after school...
I've been surprisingly "normal".
Is that OK?
I get pangs of guilt at times, like I should be in "worse shape".  But why not try to accept and appreaciate the moments that I laugh, say corny things, hug my kids and hubby, get annoyed at toys on the floor...
Wouldn't Star want me to be me?

I try to create time for me.  Space for thoughts.  Sitting on the couch, staring at the fire in our fireplace in the evening, missing Star, cuddled up next to my Hubby.
Tears sometimes fall...
Yesterday I cought a glimps of a babyboy clothing item in a bag in our bedroom (clothes I was going to eventually go through for the new baby, in case it was a boy).  Just seeing that little white and babyblue vest, size tiny, made my eyes well up with tears...
I so badly wanted to have a baby to put it on.
Some of my closest friends back in the States are due right around my duedate, and although we wouldn't have been able to see each other, we'd be sharing info via phone and emails.
Now I won't have any info to share...

Well.  Not about the baby anyway.
I will be sharing my hCG levels.
I just realized last night (I've spent a fair amount of time reading up on the net about "molar pregnancies" and trophoblastic disease), that I had a tumor!!
That word scares me.
What I had/might still have, is a type of benign gynecological cancer....
I think I really realized that this could potentially be somewhat dangerous...
I know that the Dr's are aware of my situation, they know what to do, and they know that this is something that needs to be followed up closely, so that any remains of the "mola"/tumor don't start to grow again...
It's when this happenes that it can spread to other parts of the body (lungs, brain and liver) and if untreated be very dangerous.
As long as my hormone levels come down nicely, I will be fine.
But this waiting game is stressful.
I will be leaving blood on the 14th and 21st of this month, and on the 22nd I have my 1st Dr. appointment, when they'll do another ultrasound (to make sure there's nothing left in there, and if there is, I'll need another DnC), and I suppose they'll share my hCG status.
I pray that it will be as low as possible...

One week has gone by.
And my life is so different.
And still it's so much the same.
I still have our 7 kids to care for.  My love for them has grown stronger than ever.
My Hubby has been wonderful as usual, and I have a new tenderness towards him.
I think we both feel more vulnerable.  More thankful. 
And definitely, more loved.
Not that we didn't felt loved before, but this has been such an overwhelming experience, that the love has been like a shining light for us in a dark time.
Like a Star in the sky...

I need to pray for patience and acceptance.  I want to feel normal again.
But I don't want to rush things either.
People seem surprised that I'm doing as well as I am...
But I can't help but seeing the good in my life, and that brings me happiness and joy.
And I don't think Star would want it any other way.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I just have to say this...

Thank you.
Thank you all my dear friends who have carried me.  I feel the strength pouring in from all around the world.
I have literally people praying for me in (at least) 5 different countries.
In many many cities.
I don't know how I would have had the strength to cope in the last few days without you all.

I have had help with babysitting.
I have had friends bringing dinners.
I had 2 big bags of groceries dropped off today.
There has been bread and goodies.
Kind words.  Thoughtful messages and cards.
I feel so very very loved.

This coming week I have a friend picking the kids up after school for us.
Others have offered to come and help in various ways.

Here are some words from some of my favourite hymns that helps me everyday...

"Day by day and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here,
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear"

"Be not dismayed whate'er betide, God will take care of you,
Beneath His wings of Love abide, God will take care of you"

Please keep praying for all of us.
I will blog quite frequently as writing is very helpful for me.
It's like therapy.

I am doing OK btw.
Thanks again for all your love.

A little story before I say bye for now.

On Friday, about the time of my DnC, my husbands cousin's wife came by with dinner for our family.
She walked down the hill from where they live, just a few hundred meters from us.
She had her 3 young sons along, and her 3 year old was on his little bike.
As she visited with our babysitter, her 3 year old kept looking up at the sky above our house.
Our babysitter (who is in her early 50ies) was thinking
"I bet he sees an angel!"
Well, the mom went back home with her little boys, and getting back to her house, she realized that her 3 year old had biked the whole way!!
The hill up is quite steep, so this is very impressive!
She had to point this out to him, and asked how he did it.
"I got strength from heaven!" was his answer....

Kids are angels on earth, and they see things that we might miss.
I bet Star is already working hard, helping us out down here...
I want to open my heart in a childlike way, and let Star be my guide until we meet again.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Back at home

So.  I'm back at home.  I have been fortunate that the hospital stay was so short.
Yesterday morning (Friday Nov 4th) I got a phone call at 7.10 from the hospital.
They wanted me to come in right away, as they had moved my DnC to the 1st surgery of the day.
They had originally asked me to come in for 10.00.

It was kind of nice to have the procedure done sooner, less time to get nervous.
Walking from the car in to the hospital, I felt like hiding.
It felt like eveyone could see my pregnant belly, but only I knew that the baby in there was not alive...
I felt a bit mad at everybody.  I don't know why, but my head was so overloaded with information, emotions, fear etc, that the equation made me "ticked".

Coming up to the prep room I needed to hurry up.  The Dr wanted to have another ultrasound to confirm what they had seen 2 days before.  4 Dr's were waiting for me in the ultrasound room...
On the screen we could all see the huge "mole" (that's what they call the placenta in a molar pregnancy)
We could also see the baby, which they had missed at the other ultrasound! (my placenta was probably about 20 times the size of the baby) I felt so happy and thankful to see little Star for the last time.  Star was the size of a 12 week old baby, but had most likely lived a bit past the 15 week mark.  The small size is explained by the molar condition.  http://www.molarpregnancy.co.uk/ 
At this site you can read up about my condition.  I had what is called a "partial molar pregnancy".
I might have a year of recovery ahead of me, but it could be a shorter or a longer process, depending on my body.  For each person with this desease the recovery will vary.

One common sign of a molar pregnancy is an abnormal count of hCG (a pregnancy hormone) found in the urine.  In my case my levels were never above that of a normal pregnancy range, so that's why they never cought it sooner.
This in itself is a good sign, meaning that the lower the levels are, the more likey you are to have your hCG levels back to normal sooner.  It's when they stay elevated that you risk another DnC, and in some cases chemo treatment.
Regardless I will need to have my hormone levels measured on a weekly basis via bloodwork.
I need to be in close care with my medical team as well.
The growth of the mole in the uterus, could spread through the blood to other parts of the body, causing a type of cancer, and that is obviously not good, although the rate of recovery is 100%.

One thing, that is kind of interesting, happened before I was awake after the DnC.
I guess I had asked if my uterus was intact.  I woke up to a blur of faces, and someone was telling me that my uterus was safe and fine.  I was wondering why this was the 1st thing they told me as I was waking up... Then my Hubby told me later that I had asked about this, even before I was awake!!
I know this was my biggest fear going in to surgery, and even subconsciously, I must have been thinking about this.  I must have a very deep desire to still have another baby...

Well.  At this point my head is a blur.  It feels like I have suffered some memory loss, but it might be from the information overload, along with the loss of a baby, going through a DnC, losing 2 pints (1 litre) of blood, having my hemoglobin dropping to a level low enough to need bloodtransfusion.  Fortunatly they waited with this, and my body was able to recover on its own.
So, so far so good.

I'm at home, and I feel that most of my energy is going to staying awake and trying to process what has taken place in the last 3 days... I feel too wiped to cry.  I feel very, very empty.  I feel sad about our loss, but thankful that I am safe and healthy.
I am amazed about the outpour of love from so many many friends.  I can't thank you enough.
I feel drained and tired, and I realize that the road ahead might get rough at times.  My arms feel empty...
Going to the hospital yesterday morning, I was about to bring the camera... before I realized that there won't be a baby to take pictures of.
My body thought it went to have a baby.  A healthy baby.  A baby to bring home, to love and nurse and care for.
Star is safe.  I will never need to worry about this child.  But my brain hasn't understood yet that this pregnancy is now over.  When March comes.... I will not be due with a baby.
When this has time to truly sink in, I know the tears will start to roll...

This morning when I was laying in the hospital bed, these words came to my mind

"Showing that you can be vulnerable, being able to cry in front of others, being able to expose your heart and your innermost feelings, is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  A sign of honesty.  A sign of true love for yourself"

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Till we meet again, Star.

Last night I was going to write a new blog entry.
I wanted to celebrate the midpoint of my pregnancy...
But something told me to wait.
Today I had a checkup, and after going through the regular weight check, bloodpreassure, hemoglobin test etc, the nurse wanted to make sure the baby was Ok.
Normally we get the heartbeat at the 1st try with the doppler.
But not today.

I have had an intuition about this.  My mom lost her 8th child, and she had never had a miscarriage before, so I was worried that the same thing would happen to me.
The last few weeks I have felt different.  And I have told a few people that this pregnancy has been different from my other ones.  I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but "just something".

The nurse kept trying with the doppler, and concern showed in her face.  I prayed.
"Please, just find it.  Just say "Oh! there it is!"
But time passed.  Maybe a few minutes went by.
No heartbeat.
The nurse told me I need to go to the hospital so they could do an ultrasound.
"Sometimes the baby changes position, and "hides", so we can't pick up the heartbeat!"
I hoped so.  But in my heart, I knew different.

Walking to the car my eyes welled up with tears...
I called my Hubby who was at home with the 3 youngest, waiting for me to get back home, so he could head to work.
I cried on the phone, sharing my worst fears.
He wanted me to come home, so we could go to the hospital together.
But with 3 kids along??
I said
"I'll go, I'll be fine, you watch them while I go and figure this out!"

Driving the 10 minute drive was OK.
Sitting in the waitingroom was a rollercoaster of feelings.
So.  What do you think?
What are you supposed to think?
At one point I got annoyed and figured I might as well go home.  Time will tell what happens.
I even called my Hubby and told him so, but he kindly asked me to stay put and make sure things are fine.
After 2½ hours of waiting (there were many other ladies that had scheduled appointments that went ahead of me), my head felt numb from waiting.
It felt like the early morning checkup was somewhere in the distant past.
That this wasn't actually happening.
I almost felt embarressed sitting there.  Like this was a big mistake, and that they would do an ultrasound, just to confirm that everything was Ok, and wonder why they had sent me there in the 1st place.
Then I was trying to accept the fact that the baby might have moved on to a better place...
And trying to think ahead of all the matters that would have to be taken care of.
I realistically realized that I didn't have time for this!
(I know... dumb thought, but my head was spinning)

For each time they called someones name, I jumped.  I realized I didn't really want to find out what I was about to find out.  I didn't want to hear my name and reality knocking...
Finally it was my turn to go.

I got ready for the ultrasound, and the lady put the scanner on my pregnant belly.
After a short amount of time, confusion showed on her face.
I couldn't see the screen, but was hoping that she was looking at a healthy baby, moving and kicking around.
She wasn't.
She asked me if I had had an early ultrasound, and I answered yes, at about 12 weeks, but the ultrasound showed the baby as 10 weeks old.
"Hmmm.... I can't see anything!" she says.
"What do you mean?  Like, NO baby?"
?????  I was shocked.
At my last checkup we had heard the baby's heartbeat loud and clear (at 15 weeks)

She said she needed to have a 2nd Dr's opinion, to confirm what she was seeing.
The 2nd Dr came after a short wait, and he saw what the 1st Dr saw.
I have a condition called "molar pregnancy".
I had no clue what this meant.
What I learned is basically this.
Already at the time of conception something goes wrong, and this makes the placenta grow at a faster pace than the baby (could explain why the baby was so small at 10 weeks).
Normally the mom will miscarry early on, as the baby gets "absorbed" by the placenta.
In my "unusual case", the placenta kept growing, and so did the baby, till at least 15 weeks.
I don't know how big the baby got, but I know we heard the heart beat then.
At some point after that, the placenta "took over", and our little baby went to heaven.

Today they couldn't see anything besides my large placenta...
My uterus is measuring as if I am 20 weeks pregnant, and I look like it too...
I was very confused and shocked.
I had to go to have labwork as well as have a pre-surgery visit with a nurse at the surgery department.
On Friday I'm going in to surgery.  I will be put under general anesthesia.
Since I'm further along than normal with this condition, the risks of bleeding etc are higher.
All day at the hospital my brain was on autopilot, trying to absorb all the information.
Longing for a big hug from my Hubby.

At 3pm I got the kids from school, and I had to break the sad news to them.
All 4 of them broke down in tears and sobs, and I ached for them.
Their little baby sister or brother wasn't coming to us anymore, the baby had gone to heaven...
I drove home, and my sister from Norway called me.  I had texted a bunch of people previously, and my phone kept getting texts nonstop.
My sister made me cry... and she cried.
Reading all those encouraging words from all my friends, from many different countries, made me realize how fortunate I am.
I could feel everyones prayers carrying us.

Coming home and having my Hubby scoop me in to his arms in a bearhug, made me finally cry a good cry.
I felt his tears rolling down at the back of my neck, and I felt both of our helplessness in the situation...
We have a tough time ahead of us, but together we'll be Ok.
I have a new respect for people who have lost babies, or for those who are suffering from childlessness.
We are fortunate to have 7 healthy, beautiful children.  Still, the loss of one is so painful...

Star.  We loved you from the day God made you.  We'll love you for the rest of our lives.  You are our anchor on the other side, and we pray that you help us on the way...
Our sadness is hard to explain, but I feel that you were too good for this world.
Until we meet again, I love you.  Mamma.

PS: Our oldest daughter asked if we could name the baby, and we decided Star was a good name.