I can't believe a week has gone by already.
A week ago, early in the morning, I went for a regular pregnancy check up.
A week ago dreams, hopes and plans for the future were shattered and changed forever.
I had to for the 1st time in my life experience hearing the message that
"Your baby died!"
Little Star was with us for 20 weeks.
Little Star never had a chance to live from the very start, but we didn't know that.
I had my strange intuition during the whole pregnancy saying that "something" wasn't right.
But being the 1st time having in baby in Finland, I figured I was mostly nervous about the unknown.
Today I know that Star is safe at home with God, and that Star was a trooper!
Star will never have any pain, never be disappointed, never hear, see, speak or feel any evil.
Star is luckier than most, and that gives me comfort.
Now I'm wondering, how am I supposed to feel??
I feel sad inside. I have read up on the typical progress you experience after losing a baby.
But what is "normal"??
I have been up, doing housework (trying not to overdo it), reading to the kids, talking on the phone, hanging out with the kids after school...
I've been surprisingly "normal".
Is that OK?
I get pangs of guilt at times, like I should be in "worse shape". But why not try to accept and appreaciate the moments that I laugh, say corny things, hug my kids and hubby, get annoyed at toys on the floor...
Wouldn't Star want me to be me?
I try to create time for me. Space for thoughts. Sitting on the couch, staring at the fire in our fireplace in the evening, missing Star, cuddled up next to my Hubby.
Tears sometimes fall...
Yesterday I cought a glimps of a babyboy clothing item in a bag in our bedroom (clothes I was going to eventually go through for the new baby, in case it was a boy). Just seeing that little white and babyblue vest, size tiny, made my eyes well up with tears...
I so badly wanted to have a baby to put it on.
Some of my closest friends back in the States are due right around my duedate, and although we wouldn't have been able to see each other, we'd be sharing info via phone and emails.
Now I won't have any info to share...
Well. Not about the baby anyway.
I will be sharing my hCG levels.
I just realized last night (I've spent a fair amount of time reading up on the net about "molar pregnancies" and trophoblastic disease), that I had a tumor!!
That word scares me.
What I had/might still have, is a type of benign gynecological cancer....
I think I really realized that this could potentially be somewhat dangerous...
I know that the Dr's are aware of my situation, they know what to do, and they know that this is something that needs to be followed up closely, so that any remains of the "mola"/tumor don't start to grow again...
It's when this happenes that it can spread to other parts of the body (lungs, brain and liver) and if untreated be very dangerous.
As long as my hormone levels come down nicely, I will be fine.
But this waiting game is stressful.
I will be leaving blood on the 14th and 21st of this month, and on the 22nd I have my 1st Dr. appointment, when they'll do another ultrasound (to make sure there's nothing left in there, and if there is, I'll need another DnC), and I suppose they'll share my hCG status.
I pray that it will be as low as possible...
One week has gone by.
And my life is so different.
And still it's so much the same.
I still have our 7 kids to care for. My love for them has grown stronger than ever.
My Hubby has been wonderful as usual, and I have a new tenderness towards him.
I think we both feel more vulnerable. More thankful.
And definitely, more loved.
Not that we didn't felt loved before, but this has been such an overwhelming experience, that the love has been like a shining light for us in a dark time.
Like a Star in the sky...
I need to pray for patience and acceptance. I want to feel normal again.
But I don't want to rush things either.
People seem surprised that I'm doing as well as I am...
But I can't help but seeing the good in my life, and that brings me happiness and joy.
And I don't think Star would want it any other way.