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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Till we meet again, Star.

Last night I was going to write a new blog entry.
I wanted to celebrate the midpoint of my pregnancy...
But something told me to wait.
Today I had a checkup, and after going through the regular weight check, bloodpreassure, hemoglobin test etc, the nurse wanted to make sure the baby was Ok.
Normally we get the heartbeat at the 1st try with the doppler.
But not today.

I have had an intuition about this.  My mom lost her 8th child, and she had never had a miscarriage before, so I was worried that the same thing would happen to me.
The last few weeks I have felt different.  And I have told a few people that this pregnancy has been different from my other ones.  I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but "just something".

The nurse kept trying with the doppler, and concern showed in her face.  I prayed.
"Please, just find it.  Just say "Oh! there it is!"
But time passed.  Maybe a few minutes went by.
No heartbeat.
The nurse told me I need to go to the hospital so they could do an ultrasound.
"Sometimes the baby changes position, and "hides", so we can't pick up the heartbeat!"
I hoped so.  But in my heart, I knew different.

Walking to the car my eyes welled up with tears...
I called my Hubby who was at home with the 3 youngest, waiting for me to get back home, so he could head to work.
I cried on the phone, sharing my worst fears.
He wanted me to come home, so we could go to the hospital together.
But with 3 kids along??
I said
"I'll go, I'll be fine, you watch them while I go and figure this out!"

Driving the 10 minute drive was OK.
Sitting in the waitingroom was a rollercoaster of feelings.
So.  What do you think?
What are you supposed to think?
At one point I got annoyed and figured I might as well go home.  Time will tell what happens.
I even called my Hubby and told him so, but he kindly asked me to stay put and make sure things are fine.
After 2½ hours of waiting (there were many other ladies that had scheduled appointments that went ahead of me), my head felt numb from waiting.
It felt like the early morning checkup was somewhere in the distant past.
That this wasn't actually happening.
I almost felt embarressed sitting there.  Like this was a big mistake, and that they would do an ultrasound, just to confirm that everything was Ok, and wonder why they had sent me there in the 1st place.
Then I was trying to accept the fact that the baby might have moved on to a better place...
And trying to think ahead of all the matters that would have to be taken care of.
I realistically realized that I didn't have time for this!
(I know... dumb thought, but my head was spinning)

For each time they called someones name, I jumped.  I realized I didn't really want to find out what I was about to find out.  I didn't want to hear my name and reality knocking...
Finally it was my turn to go.

I got ready for the ultrasound, and the lady put the scanner on my pregnant belly.
After a short amount of time, confusion showed on her face.
I couldn't see the screen, but was hoping that she was looking at a healthy baby, moving and kicking around.
She wasn't.
She asked me if I had had an early ultrasound, and I answered yes, at about 12 weeks, but the ultrasound showed the baby as 10 weeks old.
"Hmmm.... I can't see anything!" she says.
"What do you mean?  Like, NO baby?"
"Yes...."
?????  I was shocked.
At my last checkup we had heard the baby's heartbeat loud and clear (at 15 weeks)

She said she needed to have a 2nd Dr's opinion, to confirm what she was seeing.
The 2nd Dr came after a short wait, and he saw what the 1st Dr saw.
I have a condition called "molar pregnancy".
I had no clue what this meant.
What I learned is basically this.
Already at the time of conception something goes wrong, and this makes the placenta grow at a faster pace than the baby (could explain why the baby was so small at 10 weeks).
Normally the mom will miscarry early on, as the baby gets "absorbed" by the placenta.
In my "unusual case", the placenta kept growing, and so did the baby, till at least 15 weeks.
I don't know how big the baby got, but I know we heard the heart beat then.
At some point after that, the placenta "took over", and our little baby went to heaven.

Today they couldn't see anything besides my large placenta...
My uterus is measuring as if I am 20 weeks pregnant, and I look like it too...
I was very confused and shocked.
I had to go to have labwork as well as have a pre-surgery visit with a nurse at the surgery department.
On Friday I'm going in to surgery.  I will be put under general anesthesia.
Since I'm further along than normal with this condition, the risks of bleeding etc are higher.
All day at the hospital my brain was on autopilot, trying to absorb all the information.
Longing for a big hug from my Hubby.

At 3pm I got the kids from school, and I had to break the sad news to them.
All 4 of them broke down in tears and sobs, and I ached for them.
Their little baby sister or brother wasn't coming to us anymore, the baby had gone to heaven...
I drove home, and my sister from Norway called me.  I had texted a bunch of people previously, and my phone kept getting texts nonstop.
My sister made me cry... and she cried.
Reading all those encouraging words from all my friends, from many different countries, made me realize how fortunate I am.
I could feel everyones prayers carrying us.

Coming home and having my Hubby scoop me in to his arms in a bearhug, made me finally cry a good cry.
I felt his tears rolling down at the back of my neck, and I felt both of our helplessness in the situation...
We have a tough time ahead of us, but together we'll be Ok.
I have a new respect for people who have lost babies, or for those who are suffering from childlessness.
We are fortunate to have 7 healthy, beautiful children.  Still, the loss of one is so painful...

Star.  We loved you from the day God made you.  We'll love you for the rest of our lives.  You are our anchor on the other side, and we pray that you help us on the way...
Our sadness is hard to explain, but I feel that you were too good for this world.
Until we meet again, I love you.  Mamma.

PS: Our oldest daughter asked if we could name the baby, and we decided Star was a good name.

7 comments:

Sofia L said...

I can't stop crying.
Star was special to me too, and you know why.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Always in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers.
I love you!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear of your loss, Kaisa, Terho and children. With you in thought and prayer. -Marko

Kultakutri said...

Du skriver så vackert, ganska precis som jag har känt under somras. Då kändes det så att "händer det till mig?". Men ni är i min tankar och böner och jag längtar er. Tusen kramar!

Anonymous said...

You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Star was and is a special one for us too, because now we allready have three anchors in heaven.
Love you all.
Mummi and farfar

mamman said...

We want to pray for you and we know God will carry you through..
The only comfort we have is that Star is safe in the arms of Jesus, and He will take such good care of Star till you come home to see your baby.

I wish I could be there and do something - anything - for you guys right now. Hugs to you all.

MeWoman said...

Thanks for all kindness and love. It means more than you know.

SiriusMusta said...

Du skriver så fint Kajsa, man bara gråter. Jag tänker och ber för er, att Gud skull ge er kraft i denna svåra prövning. Kramar.