3 months later

It's been a bit over 3 months since we lost baby Star.
It's been a busy 3 months, with Christmas and New Year coming and going.
The 1st month after the misscarriage was a rollercoaster of events.
To find out that the baby we thought was coming, died. To go through all sorts of medical procedures, getting an information overload, trying to process what in the world is going on, and then having a DnC.
Losing a fair amount of blood, recovering, having my hormones drop like a bomb, setting off a wildfire of emotions.
Going back for labwork on a weekly basis (now it's down to once a month)
Realizing that I had a type of cancer.
(all my bloodwork is OK now, and there are no signs of any hormone changes, I need to keep monitoring my HCG levels via bloodwork once a month until May this year, and as long as things stay normal, I should be fine)

Then throw myself head 1st into Christmas preparations.
Looking for warm and fuzzy feelings that I like to have while preparing...
They did come.  Maybe because all my feelings were so raw and on the surface, they actually came and felt really good and real.
There were so many things I felt happy and thankful for.
I think every humans most inner wish is to feel loved.  Loved for who they are.
And I felt so much love.  I felt loved.
Making little decorations with our kids.  Baking a few things.  Prepping yummy dishes to eat.
What a nice time to just be together as a family.
We spent very little time on gift shopping.  We kept things quite low key in that department.
But when we all gathered to celebrate Christmas, we all felt rich and very blessed.
Lots and lots of candles burning, a fire going in the fireplace, good food to enjoy, a safe home to be in.
And we remembered Star.

A few nights before Christmas I started to think back and reflect on the time that had past, about 6-7 weeks.
If felt like I had let Star down, not being a good enough mom for her or him.
I had spent so much time preparing for our family... but it felt like I was a bit lost inside.
I read one of my blog entries that I wrote right after finding out about Star dying.
It felt like I was reading something that someone else had gone through.
Had this actually happened to me???
I started to cry, and felt that I was able to let go of so much pain and hurt.
My husband found me in our bed, quiet and sad looking.
He knew.
He laid down next to me, and we hugged and cried.
He promised me I hadn't been a bad mom to Star.
Star was going to have the best Christmas of us all.

New Year we celebrated with a house full of friends.
I felt energetic and happy.

January came and went, just getting everyone back on schedule took a while...
I started to look at myself, and realize that it's time to take care of me.
I counted that I've been pregnant and nursing for a total of more than 130 months since I got married 14½ years ago.  I started Body Balance, and that along with some changes in my food habits, as well as added excercise at home, should help me on the way.
I don't want to forget about the me on the inside thou.
How long should I grieve Star?  I don't feel that I'm grieving anymore, but I can find myself thinking of Star, reminding me that I was supposed to be almost 8 months along now!!
A few of my closest friends back in the States are due at the same time I was, and when I talked to one of them a few days ago, it felt so wierd that she's still having a baby!!!
Of course that's great, but at times it feels like my whole time being pregnant with Star and the misscarriage, is a far away dream.
Like it didn't happen.
Is that normal?  Or am I pushing my feelings away, trying not to think about it?
I'm not sure.  I know I'm trying to be honest with myself, letting me feel what I want to, but it's hard to even find the time in this busy household.  Half the time I can't even hear my own thoughts!
At the end of each Body Balance class, when we do relaxation, I find myself thinking about Star....
I've been doing something for myself, pushing my body to get stronger, but mentally I think it's just as important.  Give time.  Give time to feel, think... and listen.  And slowly grow stronger.

The beautiful flowers one of my sisters sent when Star died

(thanks again!!)

My oldest daughter's drawing of Star

A week later.

I can't believe a week has gone by already.
A week ago, early in the morning, I went for a regular pregnancy check up.
A week ago dreams, hopes and plans for the future were shattered and changed forever.
I had to for the 1st time in my life experience hearing the message that
"Your baby died!"

Little Star was with us for 20 weeks.
Little Star never had a chance to live from the very start, but we didn't know that.
I had my strange intuition during the whole pregnancy saying that "something" wasn't right.
But being the 1st time having in baby in Finland, I figured I was mostly nervous about the unknown.

Today I know that Star is safe at home with God, and that Star was a trooper!
Star will never have any pain, never be disappointed, never hear, see, speak or feel any evil.
Star is luckier than most, and that gives me comfort.

Now I'm wondering, how am I supposed to feel??
I feel sad inside.  I have read up on the typical progress you experience after losing a baby.
But what is "normal"??
I have been up, doing housework (trying not to overdo it), reading to the kids, talking on the phone, hanging out with the kids after school...
I've been surprisingly "normal".
Is that OK?
I get pangs of guilt at times, like I should be in "worse shape".  But why not try to accept and appreaciate the moments that I laugh, say corny things, hug my kids and hubby, get annoyed at toys on the floor...
Wouldn't Star want me to be me?

I try to create time for me.  Space for thoughts.  Sitting on the couch, staring at the fire in our fireplace in the evening, missing Star, cuddled up next to my Hubby.
Tears sometimes fall...
Yesterday I cought a glimps of a babyboy clothing item in a bag in our bedroom (clothes I was going to eventually go through for the new baby, in case it was a boy).  Just seeing that little white and babyblue vest, size tiny, made my eyes well up with tears...
I so badly wanted to have a baby to put it on.
Some of my closest friends back in the States are due right around my duedate, and although we wouldn't have been able to see each other, we'd be sharing info via phone and emails.
Now I won't have any info to share...

Well.  Not about the baby anyway.
I will be sharing my hCG levels.
I just realized last night (I've spent a fair amount of time reading up on the net about "molar pregnancies" and trophoblastic disease), that I had a tumor!!
That word scares me.
What I had/might still have, is a type of benign gynecological cancer....
I think I really realized that this could potentially be somewhat dangerous...
I know that the Dr's are aware of my situation, they know what to do, and they know that this is something that needs to be followed up closely, so that any remains of the "mola"/tumor don't start to grow again...
It's when this happenes that it can spread to other parts of the body (lungs, brain and liver) and if untreated be very dangerous.
As long as my hormone levels come down nicely, I will be fine.
But this waiting game is stressful.
I will be leaving blood on the 14th and 21st of this month, and on the 22nd I have my 1st Dr. appointment, when they'll do another ultrasound (to make sure there's nothing left in there, and if there is, I'll need another DnC), and I suppose they'll share my hCG status.
I pray that it will be as low as possible...

One week has gone by.
And my life is so different.
And still it's so much the same.
I still have our 7 kids to care for.  My love for them has grown stronger than ever.
My Hubby has been wonderful as usual, and I have a new tenderness towards him.
I think we both feel more vulnerable.  More thankful. 
And definitely, more loved.
Not that we didn't felt loved before, but this has been such an overwhelming experience, that the love has been like a shining light for us in a dark time.
Like a Star in the sky...

I need to pray for patience and acceptance.  I want to feel normal again.
But I don't want to rush things either.
People seem surprised that I'm doing as well as I am...
But I can't help but seeing the good in my life, and that brings me happiness and joy.
And I don't think Star would want it any other way.

Back at home

So.  I'm back at home.  I have been fortunate that the hospital stay was so short.
Yesterday morning (Friday Nov 4th) I got a phone call at 7.10 from the hospital.
They wanted me to come in right away, as they had moved my DnC to the 1st surgery of the day.
They had originally asked me to come in for 10.00.

It was kind of nice to have the procedure done sooner, less time to get nervous.
Walking from the car in to the hospital, I felt like hiding.
It felt like eveyone could see my pregnant belly, but only I knew that the baby in there was not alive...
I felt a bit mad at everybody.  I don't know why, but my head was so overloaded with information, emotions, fear etc, that the equation made me "ticked".

Coming up to the prep room I needed to hurry up.  The Dr wanted to have another ultrasound to confirm what they had seen 2 days before.  4 Dr's were waiting for me in the ultrasound room...
On the screen we could all see the huge "mole" (that's what they call the placenta in a molar pregnancy)
We could also see the baby, which they had missed at the other ultrasound! (my placenta was probably about 20 times the size of the baby) I felt so happy and thankful to see little Star for the last time.  Star was the size of a 12 week old baby, but had most likely lived a bit past the 15 week mark.  The small size is explained by the molar condition.  http://www.molarpregnancy.co.uk/ 
At this site you can read up about my condition.  I had what is called a "partial molar pregnancy".
I might have a year of recovery ahead of me, but it could be a shorter or a longer process, depending on my body.  For each person with this desease the recovery will vary.

One common sign of a molar pregnancy is an abnormal count of hCG (a pregnancy hormone) found in the urine.  In my case my levels were never above that of a normal pregnancy range, so that's why they never cought it sooner.
This in itself is a good sign, meaning that the lower the levels are, the more likey you are to have your hCG levels back to normal sooner.  It's when they stay elevated that you risk another DnC, and in some cases chemo treatment.
Regardless I will need to have my hormone levels measured on a weekly basis via bloodwork.
I need to be in close care with my medical team as well.
The growth of the mole in the uterus, could spread through the blood to other parts of the body, causing a type of cancer, and that is obviously not good, although the rate of recovery is 100%.

One thing, that is kind of interesting, happened before I was awake after the DnC.
I guess I had asked if my uterus was intact.  I woke up to a blur of faces, and someone was telling me that my uterus was safe and fine.  I was wondering why this was the 1st thing they told me as I was waking up... Then my Hubby told me later that I had asked about this, even before I was awake!!
I know this was my biggest fear going in to surgery, and even subconsciously, I must have been thinking about this.  I must have a very deep desire to still have another baby...

Well.  At this point my head is a blur.  It feels like I have suffered some memory loss, but it might be from the information overload, along with the loss of a baby, going through a DnC, losing 2 pints (1 litre) of blood, having my hemoglobin dropping to a level low enough to need bloodtransfusion.  Fortunatly they waited with this, and my body was able to recover on its own.
So, so far so good.

I'm at home, and I feel that most of my energy is going to staying awake and trying to process what has taken place in the last 3 days... I feel too wiped to cry.  I feel very, very empty.  I feel sad about our loss, but thankful that I am safe and healthy.
I am amazed about the outpour of love from so many many friends.  I can't thank you enough.
I feel drained and tired, and I realize that the road ahead might get rough at times.  My arms feel empty...
Going to the hospital yesterday morning, I was about to bring the camera... before I realized that there won't be a baby to take pictures of.
My body thought it went to have a baby.  A healthy baby.  A baby to bring home, to love and nurse and care for.
Star is safe.  I will never need to worry about this child.  But my brain hasn't understood yet that this pregnancy is now over.  When March comes.... I will not be due with a baby.
When this has time to truly sink in, I know the tears will start to roll...

This morning when I was laying in the hospital bed, these words came to my mind

"Showing that you can be vulnerable, being able to cry in front of others, being able to expose your heart and your innermost feelings, is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  A sign of honesty.  A sign of true love for yourself"