Blogger Boss needs to decide what this is going to say about how crazy her life is & how she loves coffee & walks with her hubby.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Back at home

So.  I'm back at home.  I have been fortunate that the hospital stay was so short.
Yesterday morning (Friday Nov 4th) I got a phone call at 7.10 from the hospital.
They wanted me to come in right away, as they had moved my DnC to the 1st surgery of the day.
They had originally asked me to come in for 10.00.

It was kind of nice to have the procedure done sooner, less time to get nervous.
Walking from the car in to the hospital, I felt like hiding.
It felt like eveyone could see my pregnant belly, but only I knew that the baby in there was not alive...
I felt a bit mad at everybody.  I don't know why, but my head was so overloaded with information, emotions, fear etc, that the equation made me "ticked".

Coming up to the prep room I needed to hurry up.  The Dr wanted to have another ultrasound to confirm what they had seen 2 days before.  4 Dr's were waiting for me in the ultrasound room...
On the screen we could all see the huge "mole" (that's what they call the placenta in a molar pregnancy)
We could also see the baby, which they had missed at the other ultrasound! (my placenta was probably about 20 times the size of the baby) I felt so happy and thankful to see little Star for the last time.  Star was the size of a 12 week old baby, but had most likely lived a bit past the 15 week mark.  The small size is explained by the molar condition.  http://www.molarpregnancy.co.uk/ 
At this site you can read up about my condition.  I had what is called a "partial molar pregnancy".
I might have a year of recovery ahead of me, but it could be a shorter or a longer process, depending on my body.  For each person with this desease the recovery will vary.

One common sign of a molar pregnancy is an abnormal count of hCG (a pregnancy hormone) found in the urine.  In my case my levels were never above that of a normal pregnancy range, so that's why they never cought it sooner.
This in itself is a good sign, meaning that the lower the levels are, the more likey you are to have your hCG levels back to normal sooner.  It's when they stay elevated that you risk another DnC, and in some cases chemo treatment.
Regardless I will need to have my hormone levels measured on a weekly basis via bloodwork.
I need to be in close care with my medical team as well.
The growth of the mole in the uterus, could spread through the blood to other parts of the body, causing a type of cancer, and that is obviously not good, although the rate of recovery is 100%.

One thing, that is kind of interesting, happened before I was awake after the DnC.
I guess I had asked if my uterus was intact.  I woke up to a blur of faces, and someone was telling me that my uterus was safe and fine.  I was wondering why this was the 1st thing they told me as I was waking up... Then my Hubby told me later that I had asked about this, even before I was awake!!
I know this was my biggest fear going in to surgery, and even subconsciously, I must have been thinking about this.  I must have a very deep desire to still have another baby...

Well.  At this point my head is a blur.  It feels like I have suffered some memory loss, but it might be from the information overload, along with the loss of a baby, going through a DnC, losing 2 pints (1 litre) of blood, having my hemoglobin dropping to a level low enough to need bloodtransfusion.  Fortunatly they waited with this, and my body was able to recover on its own.
So, so far so good.

I'm at home, and I feel that most of my energy is going to staying awake and trying to process what has taken place in the last 3 days... I feel too wiped to cry.  I feel very, very empty.  I feel sad about our loss, but thankful that I am safe and healthy.
I am amazed about the outpour of love from so many many friends.  I can't thank you enough.
I feel drained and tired, and I realize that the road ahead might get rough at times.  My arms feel empty...
Going to the hospital yesterday morning, I was about to bring the camera... before I realized that there won't be a baby to take pictures of.
My body thought it went to have a baby.  A healthy baby.  A baby to bring home, to love and nurse and care for.
Star is safe.  I will never need to worry about this child.  But my brain hasn't understood yet that this pregnancy is now over.  When March comes.... I will not be due with a baby.
When this has time to truly sink in, I know the tears will start to roll...

This morning when I was laying in the hospital bed, these words came to my mind

"Showing that you can be vulnerable, being able to cry in front of others, being able to expose your heart and your innermost feelings, is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  A sign of honesty.  A sign of true love for yourself"