3 months later

It's been a bit over 3 months since we lost baby Star.
It's been a busy 3 months, with Christmas and New Year coming and going.
The 1st month after the misscarriage was a rollercoaster of events.
To find out that the baby we thought was coming, died. To go through all sorts of medical procedures, getting an information overload, trying to process what in the world is going on, and then having a DnC.
Losing a fair amount of blood, recovering, having my hormones drop like a bomb, setting off a wildfire of emotions.
Going back for labwork on a weekly basis (now it's down to once a month)
Realizing that I had a type of cancer.
(all my bloodwork is OK now, and there are no signs of any hormone changes, I need to keep monitoring my HCG levels via bloodwork once a month until May this year, and as long as things stay normal, I should be fine)

Then throw myself head 1st into Christmas preparations.
Looking for warm and fuzzy feelings that I like to have while preparing...
They did come.  Maybe because all my feelings were so raw and on the surface, they actually came and felt really good and real.
There were so many things I felt happy and thankful for.
I think every humans most inner wish is to feel loved.  Loved for who they are.
And I felt so much love.  I felt loved.
Making little decorations with our kids.  Baking a few things.  Prepping yummy dishes to eat.
What a nice time to just be together as a family.
We spent very little time on gift shopping.  We kept things quite low key in that department.
But when we all gathered to celebrate Christmas, we all felt rich and very blessed.
Lots and lots of candles burning, a fire going in the fireplace, good food to enjoy, a safe home to be in.
And we remembered Star.

A few nights before Christmas I started to think back and reflect on the time that had past, about 6-7 weeks.
If felt like I had let Star down, not being a good enough mom for her or him.
I had spent so much time preparing for our family... but it felt like I was a bit lost inside.
I read one of my blog entries that I wrote right after finding out about Star dying.
It felt like I was reading something that someone else had gone through.
Had this actually happened to me???
I started to cry, and felt that I was able to let go of so much pain and hurt.
My husband found me in our bed, quiet and sad looking.
He knew.
He laid down next to me, and we hugged and cried.
He promised me I hadn't been a bad mom to Star.
Star was going to have the best Christmas of us all.

New Year we celebrated with a house full of friends.
I felt energetic and happy.

January came and went, just getting everyone back on schedule took a while...
I started to look at myself, and realize that it's time to take care of me.
I counted that I've been pregnant and nursing for a total of more than 130 months since I got married 14½ years ago.  I started Body Balance, and that along with some changes in my food habits, as well as added excercise at home, should help me on the way.
I don't want to forget about the me on the inside thou.
How long should I grieve Star?  I don't feel that I'm grieving anymore, but I can find myself thinking of Star, reminding me that I was supposed to be almost 8 months along now!!
A few of my closest friends back in the States are due at the same time I was, and when I talked to one of them a few days ago, it felt so wierd that she's still having a baby!!!
Of course that's great, but at times it feels like my whole time being pregnant with Star and the misscarriage, is a far away dream.
Like it didn't happen.
Is that normal?  Or am I pushing my feelings away, trying not to think about it?
I'm not sure.  I know I'm trying to be honest with myself, letting me feel what I want to, but it's hard to even find the time in this busy household.  Half the time I can't even hear my own thoughts!
At the end of each Body Balance class, when we do relaxation, I find myself thinking about Star....
I've been doing something for myself, pushing my body to get stronger, but mentally I think it's just as important.  Give time.  Give time to feel, think... and listen.  And slowly grow stronger.

The beautiful flowers one of my sisters sent when Star died

(thanks again!!)

My oldest daughter's drawing of Star

Happy 2012!!!

Wow!  What happened??
I just read through my last blog that I added less than 2 weeks ago, and kaboom!!!!!
All the things we were anticipating, all the food that needed to be prepared and made, all the gifts that needed wrapping....
Done.  Over.  And out.
We are in a new year and a ton of stuff has been going on since the 21st when I last blogged.

All the food got done.  And it all turned out well.  The pumpkin pie was devine, the ham just right, the different casseroles yummy, and so on...
We celebrated Christmas with my inlaws, and we all had a nice evening together.
Singing, laughing, eating and visiting.
2 of my hubby's brothers who live in the area came by too.
Good old family time!

My dear Hubby got me a neat gift.  In his thoughtful manner, he did a bunch of research to find the perfect fitness programme for me (he knows I need to get out of the house to do things for myself, and he also knows I won't take the time to make it happen, so he got into action!!)
So... He wrote me a little letter, that of course made me all teary eyed, making me sound a lot more than I could ever take credit for to be.  With it I found a giftcard to a gym, where I can take 10 "bodybalance" classes.
Bodybalance is a combo of yoga, pilates and tai-chi!  This is SOOOO me!  I love to stretch and do those type of things, WAAY more than aerobics, as I'm very uncoordinated...
I'm excited to try it out this winter and spring! 

New Years Eve we had friends and family over at our house.
It was a loud crowd, and I think there was about 45 people here!
I loved it!
Lots of fireworks outside, lots of good food, laughter and love inside.
I felt so blessed and thankful for all this!

Well... we are enjoying another few more days of Christmas break before going back to the daily grind.
It's been such a nice break and I can't say I'm too thrilled to start getting up before it's light outside, but thankfully we are heading towards longer days, and I hope some more snow!!  We have hardly any!
Very unusual for where we live.  The temperature is hovering around freezing, which isn's so bad... It could be a LOT colder.
I'm excited to see what the new year brings.  I don't do resolutions, instead I pray that God gives me strength to meet each day with him at my side, carrying me when I feel too weak to walk on my own.
I pray that I get to have as many good days and times with my dear Hubby and our kids as possible, making new memories that will last for years to come!
Happy Blessed New Year to all of you!  I wish you all the best.

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Here are some pictures of the latest.
My Little Guy and I to the left.
He got his 1st "big boy" hair cut (NOT willingly).
The poor kid screeeeamed the entire time...
But after I was done with the clippers, we were friends again.
He was quite impressed with his new "do" in the end!!

 Our youngest girl donning her new specs!  We found out she needs glasses a while ago, and thankfully she wears them willingly.  Here she's making marzipan goodies for Christmas.

Some of the yummy creations!  The girls had so much fun making them, and we'll all enjoy eating them!

Martha Stewart didn't help me decorate our house for Christmas this year either... But the kids and I have had lots of fun making our own crafts and baking. 

 My oldest daughter went out and picked some birch twigs, and then set up a bird-making station for her 5 younger sisters.
She put glue on the twigs, that she sprinkled salt on!  Looks like snowy "branches".
I think it turned out great!

On December 13th we celebrated St Lucia.  The kids sang some Christmas hymns, and then we served some treats (gingerbread cookies, marzipan goodies, "glögg"-Swedish hot cider, and Swedish "julmust", a carbonated Christmas drink) to some local ladies.  It was beautiful and fun!

 Baking "pepparkakor", or gingerbread cookies, is one of the most common Christmas traditions in our house.  Here's our "family", with Star watching over us.  Thanks to my oldest daughter for the cute idea!

A few weeks ago we took the whole gang bowling, here are the 5 oldest gals, waiting for our lanes to become available.

...and here's Big Guy and Little Guy watching other people bowl.


Well, that's that for now.
I've had a lot going on in the last few weeks, and I think I'm done with all my shopping.  Yes!!!
I even went and got all the food we need for the weekend, so now the cooking can start....
Have a blessed and Very Merry Christmas all my friends.  There are so many of you that I miss, and I sure wish you were closer... May God bless and keep us all in the New Year.

and there went another week....

Wow.
I know I keep talking about it, but the time is ticking unnaturally fast!!
Freaky.

It feels like I'm standing in the same spot, like when you are stuck running in a bad dream, and everything else is swooshing by, tsunami like...
Heeelp!
There are SOME things I'd really like to get done, and I don't have any lofty goals.
But Ok, both cars conked out on us.  A little set back.
Time that we could have spent on other things, went to taking care of that.
We were very fortunate that neither of the vehichles had any major hickups, but the frustration still had time to get a firm grip on me.  And a bit of desperation.
When Hubby's working over an hour away, and I rely on a car to pick the kids up after school, there is a REAL problem!  Thankfully we have some wonderful neighbour girls who have helped with rides.

Saturday evening I came back from spending a night away in another city.
I went there to celebrate a ladies Christmas, with other Canadian and American women.  We had a wonderful evening, devouring great food, singing our hearts out, and laughing so hard my whole body was in pain!!!  Man, did that feel GOOD!!!
I spent the night with a Canadian friend, who's working here for a year.  When we are together, we both get as wierd as possible.  Like really off the wall goofy.
We went shopping and had a looong lunch together on Saturday, and we got more than a few stares...
Ah well,  we didn't mind.
I scored some beautiful dressy winter boots, that even got my Hubby's approval (he's PICKY!!)
Yes!!
Coming home on the train, I figured my Hubby would be at the station, impatiently waiting my arrival...
I was wrong.
Hubby was still at home, trying to get his car started!! (he just bought it, and it's a diesel, so he's not familiar with all it's quirks yet, plus the temperature was right at freezing, which makes a lot of cars cranky)
When he realized that it wouldn't start for him, he tried the Suburban.  It didn't start either!!!
Hello???  What are the chances???  Pretty big in our case, but still....
I was growling in the bitter wind down at the train station.  By now everyone else were tucked away warmly in their awaiting rides. (this was at 10.30 at nite, so the train station was closed, so I wasn't able to go in there to stay warm)
I tried to be patient, one of my many strong sides, realizing my Hubby didn't do this on purpose, but also felt a bit dismayed...
Hadn't we had enough stuff going on to last us for a while??
Hubby was lucky enough to borrow his brother's car (we are neighbours), so after I had lost the feeling in my thighs, (note to self: use long johns when in Finland) counting how many steps it takes to cover the front of the trainstation several times(it was too slippery to walk around it).... he finally arrived.

Well.  Like I said, he got them figured out, and I feel peoples prayers helped us out, again.
With cars you never know... but after cleaning the distributer cap, and replacing it on the Suburban, she ran nicely!!  So that was all for this time. 
I was praising my dear Hubby for being so good at pretty much everything!
He can build a house, do accounting,(that's what he went to school for) fix his own cars, clean the house, make dinner, bake, and most importantly, take good care of me and the kids!!

Soooo... now I have to roll up the sleeves and get back to the grind after a few days off.
What was I doing anyway???
Oh yeah, playing a game of "good housemaker"....

Dear diary...

Today I feel like writing just to write, so we'll see what pops to my mind!

It's December.  And the fact that Christmas is indeed coming, is slowly sinking in...
And I'm getting excited about it too!
Watching the kid's excitement rubs off on me.
I remember the Christmases I spent as a singel girl, living quite far away from my parents, meaning I didn't make it home for Christmas every year.  Christmas was nice and fun, but I had a hard time getting the "feeling" that you have as a child.
Wanting to see the familiar decorations, listening to Christmas songs, singing along.
Baking, wrapping gifts, writing little riddles that we'd add to the gifts.
My younger brother and I had a riot with this, and when we hit our mid/late teens, things would get out of control.  We'd be laughing hysterically at our really stupid "riddles", that pretty much said straight out what was in the package!  We'd wrap my dads socks separately (so if he was getting a 5 pack of socks, he'd actually have 10 gifts to open)
Yes, we were nerdy, and man was it fun at the time!
As we handed out the gifts on Christmas eve, it seemed like our dad got the most gifts!
We also made joke gifts at times, and that tradition our oldest girls have continued.

A few years ago one of our girls had wrapped a sticker with great care.
I'm taking layers and layers of wrapping paper, with roughly a whole roll of tape keeping it all together...
When you finally got to the sticker, it said:
"You did it!"
I've been making joke gifts for the kids as well, and one time I wrapped packaging bubbles for one of the girls (our petlover). There were about 15-20 of them, and they were in a long "string", about 6 by 4 inches in size.  I drew googly eyes on them and gave them all names... She had wanted a pet for Christmas, and now she had a whole "farm"!
She kept them for a few years.  :)

Last night Hubby and I went grocery shopping and took the time to go out for a quick coffee as well.
Coming home there were candles burning, and the remains of "pulla" (cinnamon rolls) and "glögg" (Swedish "apple cider") were to be found on the table.  The kids had been practicing Christmas hymns in time for St Lucia! 
Christmas is so much more fun when you have kids to celebrate it with.
And it's NOT for the gifts sake.
They see the magic in all the little things.

When I was single, and even during our first few years of marriage (before our oldest kids were old enough to understand what was going on), Christmas seemed more "mechanical", although I enjoyed buying gifts for others, eating good food and all that, that pure joy was missing.
Now it's definitely here.
To watch the kids eyes when they see mysteriously shaped packages wrapped up, waiting to be opened...
To feel your belly close to bursting from all the good food and treats...
To squish the whole family on the couch and sing Christmas songs till our throats are sore...
To read the gospel of Christmas together as a family (even if it felt SOOO long when I was a kid!)...
To look around me and see all of our kids gathered around us. (always brings tears of joy to my eyes)
It makes me so happy for their sake that they have each other.  That they get to grow up together in this crazy bunch.  Big families are a lot of work, but during holidays "The more" is definitely merrier!
To feel that great thankfulness coming from deep inside you...
It's magical and wonderful and beautiful.

I'm excited.  And I think I have to figure out a joke gift or two...

Slowly but surely!

Here things are in full swing!  The last week has brought some much needed energy along for me!  I feel so "normal", it's almost scary, but it's also really nice.
After having an insane amount of things going on in the last few years, and with no signs of it slowing down in sight, I am sure happy that I feel an extra surge of strength!!
I do get occational reminders of how vulnerable I still am thou.

Last Thursday I ventured out to town.  First time in a LOOONG time that I did this by myself!  Felt really good.  I had a maternity top that I wanted to return (tags were still on), but of course I did not have a receipt.  Well, I figured, they might let me exchange it for something at least.
Well.  They didn't. 
"Sorry, if you don't have a receipt, we can't take it back!"
"But, I lost the baby, and I never had time to use it, and the tags are still on!!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that (she did look truly empathetic), but that's our policy!"
I felt like their policy had just given me a kick in the stomach.
I took it so hard, I was surprised.
Maybe because I told her about losing the baby.
It's a private thing after all.
I felt tears welling up, as I turned to leave the store, with my unused maternity top still in the bag in my hand...
"Bye!", she said behind me.
"Oh, yeah, bye" I said as I glanced over my shoulder.
I felt that this store had something against me.
It wasn't my fault that I had lost the baby!!

I called my Hubby, and told him how I felt.
He of course asked me not to worry about it.
No big deal if I couldn't return it.
I knew he was right, but I guess the feelings the situation had brought up, made me realize that I'm still quite sensitive.
He made sure I felt better before we hung up, and then I actually found a pair of jeans that fit me!
(I hate trying on anything in public changing rooms, and jeans are among the worst...)
This pregnancy made me gain more weight than I normally do, and now when there's no baby to nurse to help shed the pounds, the new "chub" is stubbornly stuck on me.  Argh.
Perfect timing for Christmas to show up too!  Yohoo!! (I admit to liking all the Christmas goodies WAY too much)

Well, I met up with a friend after shopping, and we went out for a late dinner.
It was really nice to just hang out and chat and eat (yummy pizza on ryebread!, and I wonder why I'm not losing weight??)

Well.  Now it's all full tilt with the Christmas gears rolling!
I can't shop or decorate or bake before the house is organized and cleaned, so I have a LOT of organizing and cleaning to do, which is fine, since I truly enjoy an organized house. (there's still a ton of stuff to go through since we moved)
With 9 people thou, I will never ever catch up to what I would like to keep as my standard.
So... yeah, we did some decorating already! (or we might not put anything out before Easter, and that would look quite wierd...)
The kids also made a batch of gingerbread cookies, so that's a start I guess.
In the end it doesn't really matter if everything is not as perfect as I'd like it to be, (trying to remember to pace myself!!), what I want is a home that feels "good".  That is cozy and warm and a good place to end a busy day.  No matter what time of the year of course, but Christmas is extra special.  It's that special feeling... This is the 1st year in this house, and things are not all done yet, but it's still "us" here.  And that's what matters.  And a clean floor of course! :)

"Fa la la la la!"

"This the season to be jolly!"
Yes it is.
This week is Thanksgiving in the USA (Happy Turkey Day all of you over there!!)
I feel it's a good time to stop and reflect too.
It's so easy to get caught up in the Christmas Craze, "wanting and needing" a lot of "fluff stuff".
That's what I call things we really could live without.
Of course it's neat to "deck the halls", and make your home a bit extra cozy.
What makes me a bit sickish and sad is watching people run the race, looking and searching for "just one more thing...", when all they need is right in front of them.
Like their family.

Spending a Saturday at IKEA this last weekend, along with 50% of Finland's population, was a reminder of how spending money always bothers me in the end.
Not that I'm not happy that Hubby and I had alone time there, being able to pick up some bookshelves for our house, eating undisturbed and just being with each other.
That was great!!
Standing at the loading station (where you drive your car so you can unload your treasures) while my Hubby got our car, I spent a few minutes people watching.
I don't think what I saw was unusual, I think it's the same all over the world (especially in all the rich coutries that I've had the privilige to live in).
What I saw was gray, empty faces.
Nobody seemed a stich happier to have spent hours browsing, finding and buying stuff.
I got the sickish feeling inside.
Looking at the overloaded carts, filled with things that are somewhat needed, but many things we could do without, reminded me of the good times we have, but also wondered if the owners of the newly found stuff, had hearts that felt as full??
Maybe buying stuff is a substitute for some?
Like a drug for someone else?

So... As I prepare for Christmas, I shall try to remember how GOOD I have it.
I get daily reminders of people who have some really hard times.
With drugs.  Illnessess.  Serious money problems.  Divorces. 
And that's not after watching the news or reading the paper.

As I prepare for Christmas, I shall try to first make sure that my heart is full.
Then all the other "fluff stuff" is less important, and I hope I'll take the time to rather send a prayer and a thought where it's extra needed.
To those of you who are having a hard time, to those of you who has a close family member who's struggling, I hope your heart will be full this Christmas.  I hope you can look past the pain, and focus on the good in your life.  Because surely, there's a lot of good in your life!!
I know there's in mine....

Time to breath, Please!!

Why didn't anybody say anything??
Am I supposed to keep an eye all by myself?
Hm....
Some things never change, and one of those is Christmas.
I love Christmas.
When I was a kid, a year felt like 10 years, I thought someone should decide that holding Christmas more often should become mandatory.
Now I know why it's only ones a year (well, besides for the obvious reason that Jesus was only born ones), but also so that we as parents only have to deal with the madness ones a year!!
It always sneaks up on me.
Just as I have turned around to put away the beachtowels for the last time of they year, I notice something on my calendar, and it spells "November".  What????
How does it happen EVERY year??

This time I have to confess that I've been thrown on an extra loop.
Losing a baby, just as November decided to roll around, didn't make it any easier to grasp that
"Wow, in a matter of a month or so, EVERYTHING has to be DUNZKI!!"
I've made a promise to myself this time thou.
And this promise is named:
"Scale back and give yourself a break, dear lady!"
I'm sorry, but for the 1st time in many years, I will NOT be sending over 100 Christmas cards.
I will not plan 3-4 big activities to take place, at our home, in the weeks leading up to Christmas.
(I'd LOVE to have a "girl's nite" for our daughters and their friends, as well as a ladies nite for me and mine, and one for all the great young, single people that I know around here...)
But this time, I will allow myself to be a party pooper, and save my energy.

We went for our little weekend getaway this last Friday.
We had a great time, and came home just in time to get the kids ready for bed Saturday evening.
Sunday morning came way too soon, and I did not feel like getting up.
When I got up I had that restless "I've been staying in bed too long, and now I have to do a million things fast or I will go a little bonkers!" feeling.
After getting a lot done, fast.  I felt pooped.
So from one extreme to another, I ended up in a pile on the couch for a while..

I think I have to learn to pace myself!
Maybe that's part of the lesson I need to learn from losing Star??
I always search for reasons why things happen, not because I can't accept that it was meant to be, but I like to learn from my trials and experiences.
I think the message I'm getting is "Slow down!"

I have to remember that God didn't create the world in one day.
And he did take time to rest.
I have to remember that the same rules apply to me.
I have a few very intense years behind me, and I think my goal for the next little while will be to turn my attention inward.
To me and mine.
To take some time to rest, and recover...
Although my "to do list" is long as usual, I will try to be happy even if I only get a few things checked off each day. 
And allow myself some days "off" as needed.

So, wish me good luck, as this is NOT a thing I'm good at!
But... I'll try my best.