Blogger Boss needs to decide what this is going to say about how crazy her life is & how she loves coffee & walks with her hubby.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

3 months later

It's been a bit over 3 months since we lost baby Star.
It's been a busy 3 months, with Christmas and New Year coming and going.
The 1st month after the misscarriage was a rollercoaster of events.
To find out that the baby we thought was coming, died. To go through all sorts of medical procedures, getting an information overload, trying to process what in the world is going on, and then having a DnC.
Losing a fair amount of blood, recovering, having my hormones drop like a bomb, setting off a wildfire of emotions.
Going back for labwork on a weekly basis (now it's down to once a month)
Realizing that I had a type of cancer.
(all my bloodwork is OK now, and there are no signs of any hormone changes, I need to keep monitoring my HCG levels via bloodwork once a month until May this year, and as long as things stay normal, I should be fine)

Then throw myself head 1st into Christmas preparations.
Looking for warm and fuzzy feelings that I like to have while preparing...
They did come.  Maybe because all my feelings were so raw and on the surface, they actually came and felt really good and real.
There were so many things I felt happy and thankful for.
I think every humans most inner wish is to feel loved.  Loved for who they are.
And I felt so much love.  I felt loved.
Making little decorations with our kids.  Baking a few things.  Prepping yummy dishes to eat.
What a nice time to just be together as a family.
We spent very little time on gift shopping.  We kept things quite low key in that department.
But when we all gathered to celebrate Christmas, we all felt rich and very blessed.
Lots and lots of candles burning, a fire going in the fireplace, good food to enjoy, a safe home to be in.
And we remembered Star.

A few nights before Christmas I started to think back and reflect on the time that had past, about 6-7 weeks.
If felt like I had let Star down, not being a good enough mom for her or him.
I had spent so much time preparing for our family... but it felt like I was a bit lost inside.
I read one of my blog entries that I wrote right after finding out about Star dying.
It felt like I was reading something that someone else had gone through.
Had this actually happened to me???
I started to cry, and felt that I was able to let go of so much pain and hurt.
My husband found me in our bed, quiet and sad looking.
He knew.
He laid down next to me, and we hugged and cried.
He promised me I hadn't been a bad mom to Star.
Star was going to have the best Christmas of us all.

New Year we celebrated with a house full of friends.
I felt energetic and happy.

January came and went, just getting everyone back on schedule took a while...
I started to look at myself, and realize that it's time to take care of me.
I counted that I've been pregnant and nursing for a total of more than 130 months since I got married 14½ years ago.  I started Body Balance, and that along with some changes in my food habits, as well as added excercise at home, should help me on the way.
I don't want to forget about the me on the inside thou.
How long should I grieve Star?  I don't feel that I'm grieving anymore, but I can find myself thinking of Star, reminding me that I was supposed to be almost 8 months along now!!
A few of my closest friends back in the States are due at the same time I was, and when I talked to one of them a few days ago, it felt so wierd that she's still having a baby!!!
Of course that's great, but at times it feels like my whole time being pregnant with Star and the misscarriage, is a far away dream.
Like it didn't happen.
Is that normal?  Or am I pushing my feelings away, trying not to think about it?
I'm not sure.  I know I'm trying to be honest with myself, letting me feel what I want to, but it's hard to even find the time in this busy household.  Half the time I can't even hear my own thoughts!
At the end of each Body Balance class, when we do relaxation, I find myself thinking about Star....
I've been doing something for myself, pushing my body to get stronger, but mentally I think it's just as important.  Give time.  Give time to feel, think... and listen.  And slowly grow stronger.

The beautiful flowers one of my sisters sent when Star died
(thanks again!!)

My oldest daughter's drawing of Star