Ok. Now I've been thinking again. I think a lot and analize many things. One of the things that occupy my mind many times, is human behaviour. I live in a country where I am free to think, believe and say what I want. I think all my friends and family do too, as far as I know. Most of us are probably pretty good att saying many things we shouldn't say, but also, I think many of us have things they would like to say, but won't. Well. I do. I say how I feel about many things quite straight forward and honestly. This helps me a lot in my parenting, as well as in my marriage. If the kids have a question on their mind, I usually say exactly how I think or believe. Sometimes it takes way more time, is quite draining, and sometimes even difficult, than the alternative of just sort of brush it off and say "Whatever, I don't care!"
Same goes for my hubby. We talk a lot. About everything. We've been married for almost 14 years, and I have never said anything bad about him behind his back. Nothing that I couldn't have said to his face. Same goes for him about me. We don't complain about each other to anybody. Period.
I look at it as a longterm investment. I want good relationships with our kids and my hubby for the rest of our lives.
And I hope and pray it will work... Of course I've done many wrong steps as a parent, and as a wife, but again, honesty prevails! I don't have a problem admitting to the kids that "Yes, I was wrong!" As soon as you say that, it makes it way harder for the other person to keep throwing stuff at you.
"Yes, I was wrong, I'm sorry I did that."
If you hear that, and the other person says it from the heart... Well??? What more is there to say?
Of course, if there's an ongoing pattern, and someone uses the phrase as a way of getting out of trouble, but as soon as you turn your back, they do the same thing over, something else need to happen.
And that something is CHANGE!!!
This is another one of my strong believes. (not like Obama's "change". Very different. He's asking the country to change for the people, not the people to change themselves for the country)
I have never seen a positive change take place if the person themself didn't want it.
You can only change yourself.
You can keep nagging, crying, yelling, threatning etc, but if the person in front of you is not interested in changing, then either 2 things will happen.
1. They'll do what you ask them to do, grudgingly, and they will resent you
2. Nothing will happen, and you will resent the person.
Did you ask yourself "How can I change???"
Why did I react the way I did?
When I said "Fine!", but meant "NO!!!"... who's fault is it???
You might say "he or she didn't give me a choice, I didn't want to upset her or him!"
Well, then you CHOSE to act that way, and then you have to be acting as if "Fine" is indeed "Fine!"
Because if you get grumpy, and blame your bad mood on the other person.... HOW does that make sense???
Now you might say
"Well, that's easy for you to say, because that's your personality!"
This is something I am getting better at, but I used to be the biggest "YES" sayer out there.
Nothing wrong with that. As long as you say Yes and mean it.
When I was little, and my friend asked me "Do you like this shirt?", and I said, "Yes", and they said
"I don't", I'd quickly change my mind to agree that "Yeah, you are right, I don't like it either!"
Back to honesty, right??
You need to have a strong backbone to be honest.
And not care too much what others think of you.
And you can't get offended.
All those things are products of how you react to others behaviour.
Getting offended is an action that we CHOOSE to feel.
You chose to take offense that he or she didn't like your food.
Or your car, or whatever.
How does that help you???
Do you rather have the person lie?
"Oh yeah, Lovely dinner" And you keep making it.... and the other person can't stand carrot soup!
And then the other person tells their friends
"Man, I wish I didn't have to eat that carrot soup, but I don't have the heart to say I don't like it, I don't want to offend her or him!"
Result??? Neither is happy.
It's important to tell people how you feel about different situations. Or you won't give them the option to change in order to make you happier. But. If you tell someone "I hate when you....you need to change!" Then you are not giving them your point of view, you are just making them feel bad.
If you say "When this or that happens, I always end up feeling bad, sad, mad..., I just want you to know that." Then it's up to the other one to choose to respond to your feelings. If they don't clue in? Well, then maybe you have to learn to tackle the situations that upset you differently. Again, it's how YOU choose to react. You can't get upset that someone doesn't want to change. Typically thou, when you are married and you really love each other, both parties will want to try whatever it takes to make the other person as happy as possible. But remember that nobody is a mind reader, and that guessing games are out of question. And as soon as you hang out your dirty laundry for everyone to see... well. That's just not cool. A good rule of thumb? Don't say things about anybody, that you couldn't say if they were present.
Do I always live like this??? Unfortunately not. But I do think about it. And I try. And I am very fortunate to be married to a very patient, forgiving guy. Who listens to my yakking. And I try to listen to him. Last nite we had a disagreement, nothing major, but just me being my impatient self, when one of our daughters came carrying a sign reading "Stop fighting" on one side and "say sorry" on the other....
Like I always say, kids are the best teachers!!
Yes. We did say sorry... or we can't sleep.
And that same daughter said when she told me goodnite
"Tomorrow will be better. It will." She was right...