I really need to write. Seems like my head is full and I need to let my thoughts find their way out through my fingers, through the keyboard, in to the computer.
First of all, I turned 40!
Yup.
Just like that.
It just snuck up on me, without a warning or gentle nudge.
I just woke up on Sunday morning, and there I was, a decade older...
I really can't say I've had any kind of crisis, or stressed about it, but because age IS a topic of discussion, it's hard not to ponder, even a little bit.
I had hopes of being "Fab at 40". And although my hubby thinks I am (thanks!), I had hoped to feel "more" fabulous. And it has bothered me a bit that I'm not. I'm not even sure of what I picture it to be, but I guess in better shape, better looking, better.... just, better.
But then my brain got thinking. And remembering.
And I felt fabulous, as in "fabulously dumb".
I look back at my lab work that I had done just before Christmas, following a physical. ALL my levels were perfect. My Dr told me "You are healthy as a horse!".
My weight is, well, considering I've carried 8 babies to term, within reason. I have hair on my head and a smile on my face (I'm aiming for laugh wrinkles as I age, rather than the frowny ones).
I eat well and I enjoy food. I am able to nurse my baby and keep her nourished.
I do not suffer daily pains or aches. Most mornings I get out of bed without problems (unless you consider "sleep deprived due to nursing baby 3-5 times a night" a problem).
I AM FABULOUSLY BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH!!
Yes. I had to shout that out like that. Because it is often so easy to take this good health for granted. And I shouldn't. I should start each morning with a grateful sigh, thanking God he's kept me healthy. Healthy for myself and my family. Because that's a huge blessing.
I suffered from depression and severe anxiety some 10-13 years ago. I wasn't able to go grocery shopping. I'd have anxiety attacks just reading my shopping list. Even if I went without kids and had all the time in the world to end the task. I just couldn't. Thankfully my hubby could.
I stressed easily and would get splitting headaches from it.
I had days when I sat on the couch. I'd feed the kids, make sure they were safe and fine, but I wasn't happy. I didn't enjoy many things in life. When I was around people I was pretty good at keeping up a brave face. But I wasn't happy. I was depressed.
I was, however, thinner and younger, and maybe even better looking than now.
But I wasn't happy.
God has been with me and my family through those times, and I know, I really do know, how very blessed I am to have strong mental health these days.
I laugh a lot. From my heart. Big, real, belly laughs, that reaches every crow's foot by the corners of my eyes.
I am way more relaxed. I am more patient. I judge less. I love life. I am older and heavier and well, not so great looking any more. But I feel fabulous, and that's a fabulous feeling!
Wishing all of us a healthy, happy year.
And if you feel the way I used to feel, please take care of yourself. There's no shame. You deserve it, your family deserves it. Life is short, don't forget to live it.
5 comments:
Happy Belated Birthday!
Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts and feelings...I too suffered, and still do to some extent the anxiety and depression. I have made some real strides, but still wish at 66 I was finally at peace with myself! I have suffered with headaches since age 7, and now trying some new medications to get beyond 4 out of 7 days with a headache. When I walk into a crowd, I talk with myself to breathe deep and slow...no one knows what hides behind this smile. I have learned that I have a Hypersensitive body to medications, foods, people and LIFE in general. But, without this perception, I would never have been able to create artwork of life the way I visualize it. So, I thank God for His gifts He has bestowed me, and tread on taking one day at a time. OH, and yes, I am heavier than I would like to be, but trying not to focus on the exterior of me as much as the interior. My heart and soul are what is most important now.
*Gosh, I didn't mean to write a book!
Love and Hugs - Sandi O
Thanks for sharing, Sandy! And I have always thought you are such a beautiful lady! I am happy for you that you have your gift to paint, we all need to be good at something, and we all are. Hugs.
So far the thirties are the best part of my life (in different ways than the twenties were the best) so I'm expecting nothing less of my 40s! :)
I'm more comfortable in my own skin. Care less about stuff that doesn't matter. Am more confident in myself and what I stand for. Feel happy with who I am in front of and behind people.
SO when Im 40 - oh boy! Gravity might have worked on my knees and thighs and jowels and food and babies might have added a few inches to my belly and arms. But like you, I will have a delightful time.
Why not?
Absolutely. Why not?
Grattis på 40-årsdagen i efterskott. Härligt att höra att du mår bra. /Linda (Rautan :-) )
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