I really need to write. Seems like my head is full and I need to let my thoughts find their way out through my fingers, through the keyboard, in to the computer.
First of all, I turned 40!
Just like that.
It just snuck up on me, without a warning or gentle nudge.
I just woke up on Sunday morning, and there I was, a decade older...
I really can't say I've had any kind of crisis, or stressed about it, but because age IS a topic of discussion, it's hard not to ponder, even a little bit.
I had hopes of being "Fab at 40". And although my hubby thinks I am (thanks!), I had hoped to feel "more" fabulous. And it has bothered me a bit that I'm not. I'm not even sure of what I picture it to be, but I guess in better shape, better looking, better.... just, better.
But then my brain got thinking. And remembering.
And I felt fabulous, as in "fabulously dumb".
I look back at my lab work that I had done just before Christmas, following a physical. ALL my levels were perfect. My Dr told me "You are healthy as a horse!".
My weight is, well, considering I've carried 8 babies to term, within reason. I have hair on my head and a smile on my face (I'm aiming for laugh wrinkles as I age, rather than the frowny ones).
I eat well and I enjoy food. I am able to nurse my baby and keep her nourished.
I do not suffer daily pains or aches. Most mornings I get out of bed without problems (unless you consider "sleep deprived due to nursing baby 3-5 times a night" a problem).
I AM FABULOUSLY BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH!!
Yes. I had to shout that out like that. Because it is often so easy to take this good health for granted. And I shouldn't. I should start each morning with a grateful sigh, thanking God he's kept me healthy. Healthy for myself and my family. Because that's a huge blessing.
I suffered from depression and severe anxiety some 10-13 years ago. I wasn't able to go grocery shopping. I'd have anxiety attacks just reading my shopping list. Even if I went without kids and had all the time in the world to end the task. I just couldn't. Thankfully my hubby could.
I stressed easily and would get splitting headaches from it.
I had days when I sat on the couch. I'd feed the kids, make sure they were safe and fine, but I wasn't happy. I didn't enjoy many things in life. When I was around people I was pretty good at keeping up a brave face. But I wasn't happy. I was depressed.
I was, however, thinner and younger, and maybe even better looking than now.
But I wasn't happy.
God has been with me and my family through those times, and I know, I really do know, how very blessed I am to have strong mental health these days.
I laugh a lot. From my heart. Big, real, belly laughs, that reaches every crow's foot by the corners of my eyes.
I am way more relaxed. I am more patient. I judge less. I love life. I am older and heavier and well, not so great looking any more. But I feel fabulous, and that's a fabulous feeling!
Wishing all of us a healthy, happy year.
And if you feel the way I used to feel, please take care of yourself. There's no shame. You deserve it, your family deserves it. Life is short, don't forget to live it.