When time is right

Through the pain
Through the tears
In the tsunami and commotion inside my head.
Inside my heart.
I find strength a new.

By falling.
Again, and again.
By slowly picking myself up.
Letting the hurt out.
Letting the pain out.
Letting the anger out.
Through the tears I see.
I see my strength.
I feel my strength.
I allow myself to be weak, in order to find strength.
I can't feel better unless I first feel worse.

And my strength needs to be humble.
My strength needs to be full of love and courage.
It can not judge or be bitter.
It can only hold hope, faith and love.
It's the only way to move forward.
The only way to dare to get hurt again.
By keep having faith and trust in God.
Knowing that he knows what I don't.

Looking at our children.
Feeling that fierce love.
When you think it will not, can not, grow stronger... It does.
It slowly gives me wind beneath my wings.
A little seed inside my heart is starting to grow.
A seed of hope.
The strong urge to dare again.
To maybe one more time, one day, hold another baby in my arms.
Another life that grew under my heart.
A life that will be so loved and so appreaciated and so wanted.
When I look at our kids, I know I can do it again...
Time will heal the hurt.
Tears will erase the pain.
One day, maybe one day... God will let it work out.
To once again look a newborn child into the bottomless depths of their innocent eyes.
Letting me fall... allowing me to fall in love again.

Any pain is worth it, when love is the end result.
And would I never have the gift of a newborn again, I shall hold my head high, I shall look at the stars at night knowing that I allowed God to use my  body in his work.
In his work to fill his gardens with angels.
There will be no regrets.
I pray for strength to let Him plant a seed again...when time is right.